The Crippling Effect of Contempt
There are days where I feel like our world may be more divided than it’s ever been in my lifetime. There are other days where I’m absolutely certain of it.
While the pandemic and politics have certainly added fuel to the fire, it didn’t start the decline of civility we are experiencing in society today. Extreme conflicting viewpoints shouted between strangers, family members, friends, and co-workers—no relationship is off limits to the fallout. We rant, belittle, criticize, and condemn. Politics, health care, human rights, even sports teams—the list is endless. What ever happened to a respectful disagreement? Look, I’ve always enjoyed a healthy debate, but what I’m talking about here is far from healthy. What may begin as a difference of opinion on any topic can quickly devolve into something far more damaging to us and to our relationships. It seems like we have abandoned civil discourse and adopted contempt as a societal norm.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines contempt as “the act of despising.” Most of us can acknowledge that contempt in the workplace isn’t a new concept; it’s been happening in our organizationssince forever. And it’s crippling us.
The Problem
When someone approaches us with contempt, effective communication with that person becomes difficult, if not impossible. It can leave us feeling sad, anxious, even depressed. Not surprisingly, it causes the same stress reaction for the person conveying contempt. No one goes unharmed in this scenario.
A 2014 article published by Science Daily talked about how feelings of contempt develop though misunderstandings of the motivations of others. It identifies “motive attribution asymmetry” as one group’s belief that their rivals are motivated by emotions opposite to their own. This can occur when a group or person assumes their ownmotivations are good, informed, or pure, while their opponent’s motivations are bad, misinformed, or even corrupt. Motive attribution asymmetry leaves no room for negotiation or compromise. It supports our biases and confirms our worst assumptions about those with whom we disagree.
If you think about it, the parking and transportation industry has dealt with motive attribution asymmetry for as long as cars have been parking. We understand the concept that our industry exists to provide a service, yet how many times have you been confronted by someone who believes that parking is simply a money grab? Now, let’s apply this same motive attribution asymmetry concept to our working relationships. When we dislike someone’s opinion on one topic, do we fall into the trap of assuming every thought or statement they offer is inherently bad? Think about individual co-workers, managers, or perhaps customers you’ve felt contempt for in the past. Is anyone served by always assuming the worst of intent?
The Solution
If I’m honest, I know I’ve been guilty of making contemptuous statements about others in the past. No doubt I’ve been dismissive and hurt people’s feelings with my words. I’m not proud of this behavior, but I am committed to keeping my negativity and contempt in check. The idea here isn’t to entirely stop disagreeing, it’s to disagree better—to disagree respectfully. Working to remove our automatic link between disagreement and contempt is the key.
How do we accomplish this? To get you started, let’s consider three concepts that may help you to limit your feelings of contempt.
- Treat others with respect, even when they make it difficult. Sometimes treating others with respect can be challenging but remember, respect is a choice. When we choose to respectfully interact with those who actively show us contempt, we remain in control of the interaction. When we can respond professionally and leave their contempt out of the equation, we’re better able to leave that interaction behind at the end of the day. (Raise your hand if less stress sounds like a good idea to you.)
- Refuse to let others determine your opinion. Never confuse contempt with comradery. Recognize when you’re being used. The social practice of “we hate that/them so you should hate that/them, too” way of thinking has got to be kept in check. This is a child’s game, yet so many of us fall into this thought habit. At work, make every effort to consider each situation—each decision—each person you encounter with fresh eyes. Too often, we automatically categorize situations using an “us vs. them” mindset. Knee-jerk assumptions never serve us well. Certainly, with time and perspective, you may decide the viewpoint or opinion of another person wasn’t one you can appreciate, but admit it—how often do we default to an assumption of ill-intent or incompetence based on something completely unrelated to the current situation? It’s important to be an independent thinker.
- Get curious about opposing viewpoints. Along with thinking independently, we need to take the initiative to seek out differing perspectives and ideas. Sure, you may confirm that you really did have a legitimate reason to disagree with an opposing viewpoint, but what if you learned something new that changes your perspective? When we allow ourselves to get curious, remain impartial, and actively listen to others, the potential to learn something new or experience things from a different perspective greatly increases.
Too often, we underestimate the insidious impact that contempt takes on us emotionally and physically. Contempt is an emotion that each of us likely experiences on a regular basis, yet we fail to recognize the serious negative impact it can have on us. To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you feel a certain way about any specific topic du jour. What I am promoting is the concept that we can offer others respect and tolerance for opposing opinions—to everyone’s benefit. When we can open our eyes to the negative impact that contemptuous words and behaviors have on us and the quality of our business and personal relationships, it suddenly becomes clear how just how critical it is to honestly address our own habits of reacting to others with contempt.
There’s a saying about being part of the solution or part of the problem. When it comes to contempt, which will you choose?
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